All of Us

"A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. 

bbYou examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world. 

But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after--oh, that's love by a different name. 

She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. 

So instead you rock by the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. 

You heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks. She's the one you can't put down."

.Barbara Kingsolver.

I'm not counting on Leah being my last baby - and I'm sure hoping she's not, but I thought this quote was so beautiful, and really, doesn't every baby deserve to be held like they're the last? It's been so hard to write down about this little girl!  Every time I sit down I'm holding someone and finding two hands to type is a little tricky.  So - here goes to trying to quickly get down party 2 of Leah's story;

I kept waiting for the plague of morning sickness to hit.  Every morning I woke up and felt healthy I would just say a little prayer of gratitude and try to live it up, because I never knew what the next day might bring!  We had a camping trip planned for when I was about 8 weeks along and gosh I was nervous - but, I was fine.  Really fine.  Other than a spilled container of pesto in the cooler that led to a pretty intense hatred of basil (seriously, lovely basil!!!) I was really fine.  I did feel a little gross for a couple of months, but really it wasn't too bad.  I do remember Clara one day saying how we must have a lot more money than we used too - when I asked her why, she said it was because we'd been eating food from restaurants a lot lately and normally we can't do that because it costs too much money.  Really - I was just pukey and not handling dinner time very well.  That was it - too much money spent on take-out.  I felt so much more than lucky!  

Everyone felt like this baby was a girl.  I was so sure that it was a girl, that I was already starting to refer to her as one and got a little nervous that if this really was a boy I was going to be pretty shocked when he came out.  So - we decided to find out this time the baby's sex and sure enough - she really was a she. 

I felt awesome clear up until the last month with Leah.  I remember being at kickboxing one day when I was about 30 weeks thinking I felt better and that I had more energy than I had since before I got pregnant with Graham!  I really felt great.  I was however, pretty darn terrified of labor.  I think having gone through it three times before had left me pretty convinced that there was now way around the fact that it was gonna hurt.  really bad.  I wondered for a while if I could really do it.  I thought for a while of just having her in the hospital, all nice and numb with an epidural, smiling when the baby came out.  Problem is I really hate hospitals (unless I were dying, or really hurt, or sick or someone I loved was in one of those situations, than I would really love them I'm sure) - and the births that I've attended in hospitals have reaffirmed that feeling in me - I know this is one of those really controversial topics, but we each have to do what is right for us, right? And for me - birth is really really hard in a hospital.  That being said - there was a big part of me with this pregnancy that was very scared.  I kind of started to feel like I was really lucky to have had a safe home birth once, and should I really press my luck again? (despite the fact that I know the statistics and I know how safe home birth can be - but there are always those rare emergencies right?)  I began wondering if maybe my fear was a little message from heaven that this baby needed to be born in a hospital. 

 I started praying pretty hard that we would make the right decision, but still just felt scared - not so much scared about being at home, but scared for the labor.  And then I got my answer.  One night I was in rocking Graham to sleep.  It was dark and I had my eyes closed, and I was sleepy, not thinking about much when I all of the sudden I very clearly saw in my mind myself, sitting in my bed in my sunny bedroom holding a brand new born baby.  Brandon was sitting next to me looking at the baby in my arms and my midwives were busy, taking care of all the stuff that comes with a baby being born.  And I felt calmness, and happiness, and peacefulness and safety wash over me.  I still remember it felt like it started at my head and washed all the way down my legs.  And I knew that it was okay to have this baby at home too.  And that I would be able to do it.  I knew that even with that assurance there was the still the chance of problems - but I knew that that was where she was supposed to be born.  Whenever I would start getting nervous again I would just think of that night and remind myself that my prayers had been answered, and that whatever happened, things would be okay.  

Okay - one last thing I want to remember and then this story might have to go into a third part - eek!  A few years ago I was at the stop light by my house.  A car was in front of me and in the back window was one of those vinyl stickers advertising for scentsy candles and the name of the lady selling them was Leah.  I read it and the thought popped in my head - "I'll have a daughter named Leah Rain one day".  Just like that.  I remember laughing right out loud at the thought - it wasn't even like, "hmm Leah is a pretty name, maybe I'll have another girl one day," or something like that it just...was.  I even told Brandon because the feeling had come so strong.  I thought about it quite a bit, and when we found out we were pregnant I was pretty darn sure it was our Leah Rain.  Her name has no special significance - I like it, but I kind of feel like it was just chosen for us.  I do like that B's middle name is Lee, so i feel a little like she was named after her Dad - and holy cow is he a good guy, so that's pretty fun too.  One day I was in the temple and thought I better pray just to make sure that we gave her the right name and after I had prayed and thought quite a bit about it I kind of felt like I was getting the answer , "well of course!  Of course that's supposed to be her name!"  And so we went with it.  Despite that fact that Gray really wanted to name her  Violet or Rosey or Lilly and despite the fact that Clara really really wanted to name her Lilliana or Lucy.  She was Leah Rain from the start.