On the 14th of March me and B celebrated our 10th anniversary, WOOT WOOT! We celebrated big by going to Zupas for soup and coming home to watch a basketball game on the couch. I went to bed about 11 and woke up at 1:30 with my first contraction - none of this "whew, that was a good one" but a "WHEW! That kind of really hurt!" and they never stopped. Brandon had fallen asleep on the couch and I hadn't moved him - which was kind of nice because I could still lay in bed and listen to music and conference talks and stuff and not worry about waking him up. I was so tired. For several nights in a row I had had false labor that had kept me up most of the night. I was just so darn sleepy! In between contractions I would doze off and then be rudely awakened and reminded that I really was in labor. I finally got up and got some 'wake up' oils on me and got in the shower with some peppermint to try and clear my fuzzy head. That was about 5:00. Brandon came in then and saw things were serious this time and called my midwife a little while later. Heather and Farra showed up about 6:00.
Once they got here I all the sudden got nervous that we'd made a bad call and that I didn't really need them (despite the fact that contractions were getting pretty close and it was pretty tough concentrating through them.) They came and my contractions stopped. For about 10 minutes I had none. I realized I had to relax - that if I'd made a bad call, so what? Things had been serious and I did what I needed to - as soon as I had that thought another one came pretty strong and Heather told me we better get to where I wanted to have the baby. At that point I was in the living room in my pajamas still, sitting on my big exercise ball. We went into the bathroom and Heather asked if I had something I wanted to change into - she grabbed my swim skirt and a little tube top thing for me - I changed and felt so awful. This sounds odd - but I didn't want to walk out in front of people with my belly showing. I wanted to be covered - I didn't want to be vulnerable and exposed and, really I just didn't want to have a baby very bad. And so my contractions stopped again. I prayed. I relaxed. They started again. Hard.
I felt like I needed to have Leah in the tub. I wasn't super excited about it, but every time I envisioned her birth it was in the bath tub so that's where I went.
I was so scared for this birth. Terrified really. One night Brandon was talking to me about the people of Alma. The Alma who was one of king Noah's priests who took his people into the wilderness but were then taken captive. While they were in bondage they prayed for help - and while they weren't released right away, they were strengthened so that there burdens became light and they were able to feel happiness and peace despite their captors. That story gave me so much peace. So this was probably the most faith I've ever had to have - but I couldn't go through what I did with the other three kids births again. I just couldn't. It was too hard. It hurt too bad. My only option was to pray - and ask that this birth would be easier. I didn't have any other option. And in my head it seemed kind of impossible but in my heart I knew that Heavenly Father will answer our prayers and this prayer was so important! And so I prayed and prayed and prayed until I believed in my heart and my head that this birth would be easier. That it wouldn't be beyond what I could bear as long as I trusted myself and my body my Savior to help me. And I did. And it was easier. I remember being so relieved to finally see the sun shining through the window - I was so tired of the night. I got to the point at the end when I thought I couldn't handle it any more and I prayed and felt this overwhelming surge of love for my little daughter and I knew that she was so close. I asked Heather if she should check me to see how close I was - I remember saying I wanted to wait for a minute because it hurt too bad to move and she said, "Don't worry, I'm in no hurry" and I snapped back, "Well I am!!" I hadn't been checked yet and was a little nervous. But on my next contraction I felt the overwhelming (like uncontrollable, similar to throwing up feeling) that I needed to push. Heather looked at me and said, "well, I think you're complete - no need to check". I was kneeling on my knees with me head resting on the tub and I didn't want to move. They told me that was fine, but that they wouldn't be able to help me gauge how things were going and that I would need to catch her little head and help her turn. Fine I thought. My birth, my baby, let me take care of it! And I did! And no one told me how or where or when or how hard, I just listened to myself! I listened and felt and waited and it was okay.
Birth is kind of .......... well, horrific. It hurts and there is blood and yelling and sweat and crying and then a miracle. Then this tiny wet baby is in my hands and then my arms and then its over and then it feels like there is a window and heaven is open and you get to feel the light from it and it baths you in its warmth and its peace and its relief and a new person is now here. Our baby. and she was so soft and warm and screaming her little guts out and pink and perfect and how were we so lucky? Brandon had been sitting behind me up on the side of the tub rubbing my back (and even two pointing when I asked him to, despite his never having done it before) and the two of us became three. again. I love her. I bled a little more this time and had to shut my eyes in the tub for a while (that was the worst part, and I knew it would be, but it was okay) but then they pulled the plug and I could get right into the shower. Heather got a little nervous and pulled me out pretty quick and made me get in bed. Afterwards I felt kind of awkward - I hadn't had a chance to get dressed again and Leah was crying really hard and the kids wanted to come in and I think I was so tired I couldn't think straight. But Leah calmed down and the kids were so sweet and then I was able to rest and things were okay. She's teaching me a lot. She is a good little baby and I have so much more to write - but for now, that's her story. and I love her.
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